WHEN AM I READY FOR A DATE?

We have defined dating from the first discussion together as a group as a period to begin a friend-like relationship with the intention of knowing each other better…

A period we try understanding each other with the mind of going into a much deeper relationship overtime, if all goes as we want things to.

When am I ready for a date?

This is a question every young and unmarried persons have to answer at some point in time in the journey towards the marital life.

The society, the environment, and the culture you are born into often have their own criteria in determining when a young man or woman is ready to start a relationship and in no distant time get into the marriage institution.

Churches and religious organizations too have their own standards expected of faithful members prior to the wedding day.

You might call this the rite of passage that begins with initiation into adulthood, and then into marriage. In Judaism, and in early christian settings, most of the deals are between in-laws and the pastors, or leaders of the faith involved, the couples only consent to plans once the deal has been done. But for the purpose of this group, we will limit ourselves to acceptable norms applicable to the Christian faith, since our collective and personal goal is, to have a Christian relationship, leading to establishing a Christ centered family based on mutual Biblical understanding and believes.

That mean we will talk more on criteria matured Christian singles should watch out for to show he/she is ready to start a relationship……

Now, how do I know I’m set and ready to start dating as a believer and a growing young but matured adult capable of starting and maintaining an admirable fellowship (dating, friendship, etc) with the opposite sex in my journey towards marriage. The key word here is “matured adult”.

What constitute maturity…..and how do I know I’m “matured” enough to start a relationship?

Now take it this way…what is maturity….I will say, it is the ability to exemplify and make wise judgments with the aim to escape common mistakes others have made at the same points and on same issues of life.

This mean where others have made a mess of their relationship, you have built yourself to be able to escape such pitfall cause of your level of maturity. Not necessarily by age but by values we would be talking about this night.

This simply means, when you are matured bodily, emotionally and mentally enough, knowledgeable enough, spiritually informed enough, and financially stable (have enough experience to manage funds, either much or little) enough to take independent and wise decisions with little to nothing margin of error in most matter of life as already listed, especially where many have made a mess of fine opportunities and relationships.

This means, you are matured and ready to start a healthy relationship or dating, when you have developed satisfactorily in your spirit, mind and body. That is, spiritual maturity, sound mental and intellectual maturity and physical maturity in that order.

The complete person begins with

1. spiritual maturity, then
2. development of the mind and brain, which is intellectual maturity, and
3. the physical maturity, that have to do with the look and biological make up. The way he/she presents himself, dressing sense, bravery, respect, his or her attention to the physical look, beauty and handsomeness, etc and on top of it, his/her biological maturity…which comes with age.

A 13 years old might be more tender, but will be biologically less matured than a 22 or 26 years old.

The first two has nothing much to do with age and number

It is much easier to get carried away with the physical look, the physical attractions, and on the that basis start or enter into a relationship.

This is the problem of most young persons and some have married before discovering they were either wrong or where like half baked, half matured adults.

They started relationship just because their physical look, and biological make up says so…

But as a rule of thumb, to guarantee a solid foundation for a successful love relationship, and lasting marital life, physical maturity as important and attractive as it might be, should be the last consideration before starting a date. Physical maturity comes with age, but can be very deceptive and by so doing can make one relegate the other two important aspect of life and go into a relationship without checking if those areas are well developed or not. A relationship solely built on physical appearance is bound to fail.

A good physical appearance, beauty and handsomeness, is good to keep the fire of romance burning before and after the wedding day but a marriage built on the promise of sex and romance alone is a disaster from the start.

It is one major reason marriages collapse just days or months or few years after the wedding. Physically qualified but mentally and spiritually deficient.

Have you noticed the more beautiful some women are, the less mentally capable they are, and some handsome men too are behaviorally deficient….physically matured, yet can’t manage a home.

Because they are not matured enough to be able to keep a home.

Many are learning on the job….and marriage is not always kind to Immatured “johnny just come” who know little or nothing before ringing the wedding bell.

Man (male and female) need more than sex. A marriage partner that brought nothing to the marital table than a fine look, and curvy-sexy body will be a burden instead of a blessing when the reality of life sets into the married life. There is more to life than curvy look.

So therefore, before starting a date, or agreeing on a date, your first and most important priority as a believer is spiritual maturity. This has to do with how much you know God and how much of God is in you. It talks about your independent and ability to study the Bible and do prayers alone. It talks of how much of God you have on the inside of you. Marriage will not likely make you more spiritual, it only helps when you already have a going relationship with God prior to starting a relationship, as this will eventually affect your choice of date, your terms of dating and with who you agree on dating.

Spiritual maturity will reflect in your personal convictions on varying issues of life, your values and standards, who you think you are and will be and how you tend to get there. The way you see yourself, and how you want to treat people around you and how you want others to see you and treat you, your self respect, do’s and don’ts, your purpose in life, gift and grace, your sense of dressings and carriage in life are all predetermined by you before starting a date, and are reflections of your spiritual lives.

If any of the above or most of the above sound strange to you, please don’t start a relationship yet, you are not ready, even if you are 33 years old, physically matured and physically ready but spiritually totally unprepared.

That your physical body is set for sex, and making demand, or that your curves fully matured and well pronounced and the opposite sex is getting attracted to you, does not mean you are ready to start dating. You are like a half baked bread, it can be very discomforting to the stomach when eaten without adequate attention to the undone part.

Many marriages have been set on fire by inpatient physically matured adults. Christian relationship is never and should never be based on physical appearances and maturity ALONE….but on the complete you, spiritual, mental/intellectual maturity and physical (biological) maturity in that order. Making the last (physical) to be the first and most important criterion is a call for long marital disharmony.

The ONLY exception to these rules is if you are not bothered about having a Christian relationship/marriage, then you can start a relationship with an equally spiritually immature and intellectually low person as well….that way there will be no much trouble…but wanting a Christian home without spirituality is to build a lofty castle in the air.

Let me give you a practical personal example. Spiritual considerations and convictions, tell a man (male and female) who he is and who he wants to be and so will guide his choice of a marriage mate, who has the same values, standards and convictions, that can walk together with each other and reach set spiritual goals and destination together. Amos 3:3 can two walk together unless they agreed (agreed – past tense). Which means they have agreed and have the same mission and convictions on spiritual things even before they set the relationship on sail in the waters of life. Not just agreed on physical beauty and handsomeness alone, which is important too but not enough to start a Christian relationship. The two have to have agreed on spiritual things. They mind same objective – Phil 4: 7.

No love relationship: dating, courtship, and even marriage can do very well and last long enough in comfort and peace except they have agreed on same spiritual goals and principles.

I and my wife have been married for 14 years plus. We have argued on so many things, had our fair share of inside quarrelings and so many differences, some took years to reconcile, some we have to just compromise with each other here and there to keep the peace and move on especially on intellectual and physical preferences arising from personal dislike, likes, upbringing and training. Some of these differences may never be bridged as long as we live, though such are rare but nonetheless real but one aspect stands out and that has been solely responsible for the joy, peace, love and cordial relationship we have enjoyed and still enjoying each new day…..and that is our almost perfect agreement on spiritual things.

We never, ever had a single difference, or argument or differences on spiritual matters. We have enjoyed a perfect agreement in that aspect and that has been the sole reason we have been able to weather the storms that have greeted our love life since we started.

We practically agree on everything spiritual, on Christian personal and family values and standards, convictions and doctrine. Yet, we might not be on the same level spiritually, but we are agreed on everything and even on the need for consistent and continual spiritual growth. That was possible because we both knew what we wanted and saw them in each other, like rough diamonds, we were convinced about them and set to work them out to perfection and still growing together, despite differences in other areas….that mostly disappear under the watch light of our common spiritual convictions.

That is your first and most important indicator of your readiness to start dating. It is on this perimeter, you will determine and base your criteria in who and what you want to see in a potential date. These are standards you don’t compromise even if it means losing many dates, till you see and have what you want. No valuable success should be expected in any relationship void of these things…..its the basis of a good and godly relationship.

Your ability to take this wise judgment and rid yourself of same mistakes others are making that has led to so many broken relationships/marriages make you a matured adult, spiritually ready to start dating.

The best thing you can do for yourself, your future, and for your unborn children, is to marry the right kind of person based on spiritual conviction and intellectual and physical compatibility.

And the rest shall be history as they used to say.

This lecture was originally delivered @3pG School for the Singles WhatsApp group on Wednesday 25th May 2022.