By OLUMOFIN Kehinde Benjamin

Let me start with this question,, it will sure help lead us to the answers we seek. And the question is “Why do men readily fall in love with their housemaid or another woman far below the status (educational, finance, career etc) of their wives?”

The answer is simple: Abundance of Honour, Submission and Respect.

I will take these three one after the other in the course of this writing.

Many Bible students, especially the woman, don’t understand (or don’t want to) the Bible interpretation of marriage with several examples in the Holy Book. The Book may be old fashioned to confront the civilization of the present times, yet changes in values and practices of men over many years has not changed and cannot change the standards God laid in the Bible for marriage and family life. The Bible concept of marriage is perpetual as long as the earth remains. Even where man has done a lot to modernize Bible concept on matters that affect him in relations to time and civilization, God’s mind wired into our makeup create in us longings that won’t get satisfied otherwise until His wills are done. Man can design and change God’s definition and concept of marriage and family from time to time but the unchanging traditional understanding of what marriage and family is embedded in the bible will forever be the standard that either approve or disapprove man’s new ideas and definitions of marriage and family.

Reading through the pages of the Scripture, from Genesis to Revelation, and from Bible examples of marriages and families, beginning for examples from Abraham and Mother Sarah; to Isaac and Rebekah, then Jacob and Lear and the beloved Racheal; and all the fathers of old and their wives, to Zachariah and Elizabeth; Joseph and Mary, to the writings of Apostle Paul on marriage, and family life, all of them fashioned in manner and intent after the traditional marriage system of the Jews as typical semblance of the marriage of Christ and the church which is patterned and designed in like manner.

And this is not limited to the pages of the Bible and the custom of the Jews alone, though we will reason mainly from a Biblical perspective, but same is observed in tribes and customs all over the world even where they are not operating under the Law of Moses and before the arrival of the teachings of Jesus Christ in these cultures because man by very nature had the laws of God written in his heart and so is accustomed to doing them even before he came across the Bible (Romans 2:14-15).

Now the question is, what’s the Bible description (concept, understanding, pattern, design etc.) of the relationship between a Man and his wife? The answer is Master-Servant relationship. This is the understanding many of us are refusing to come to term with, and we try to upgrade or simply define marriage relationship with our “civilized” mind to mean a partnership (a co-equal relationship) between a man and a woman. Nothing can be far from the Bible truth. No wonder man (male and female), at his best has made a mockery of marriage relationships witb continual rise in divorce rate. It seems the more civilise mankind is, the more difficult it is for man and wife to live together without the fear of divorce or permanent separation. Even the marriage of Christ with the Church, whose marriage the man and his wife should pattern theirs’ after is fashioned in the similitude of Master-servant relationship. The Church has never been in a partnership with Christ and will never be co-equal with Him in that relationship. He is her Lord and her Husband, loved and cherished by Him as a man should his wife (Ephesians 5:32). He chose her, and not the other way round. He found her, sought after her, and bought her at a price (1Corinthians 6:20; 7:23).

I will explain these things (alongside the reasons why married men often find “succour and comfort” in women of lower status than their wives) in three ways as promised earlier. Kindly note this piece is in no wise sanctioning infidelity and unwholesome sexual behavior in marriage but rather a critical understanding into the innate desire of every husband in relation to his God given nature to patten his marriage after the concept of Christ and His Church..

Though love and affection and most importantly the grace of Jesus has bestowed upon man the power to love and cherish his wife as Christ would the Church, but that power is embedded in the foundation upon which the marriage relationship is founded. The wife, a joint heir with the husband in the grace of Jesus Christ, should understand that that grace did not confer upon her the power of equality, except where given and should be used with humility and care but not as a right in that relationship. A woman has no power of her own in her marriage, except given by her husband, as the Church is likewise powered by Christ, her Lord. It is inherent in the man to rule over his wife, that is his God given authority (Genesis 3:16) and where he is denied, he naturally find succour in another, though be less in value and may even be inappropriate, he is only responding to himself being a man.

Just as plants tends to flourish at the scent of water so will a man naturally respond and do well with a wife (and inappropriately too with another) that will willingly honour, submit and respect his person, and his God ordained authority as the sole physical head over his house. And this leads us to the question, what do men really want?

1. He want his wife to honour his person, like a maid to her lord.

Unlike today, in Bible days, a woman don’t have much say on who to marry, she was to be chosen or be given. Asking for her consent was merely ceremonial, a public show to honour all the men in her lineage, she has no right of first refusal, to say No was regarded as a disgrace to her father and her family and a sign of improper upbringing .Once married, the husband is now her new lord, she should honour him in all things as she would her father once her price has been paid. A servant don’t have the right of choice on who his master will be but owe his lord his life and consensual loyalty and honour, especially when he has been shown love and care by the same who bought him at a price. A servant that serve and honour his master will be elevated and loved by his master far above others, though he has many but will take special likeness in the one that love and honour him. The Bible rarely asked a woman to love her man but often time said she should submit and honour him because a man only define love by how much a woman submit and honour him and in return reward her with his love and strength.

You will then say, if its so, of what difference is a wife from a maid. The difference is that a wife shares his bed with him, give him comfort and children to propagate his bloodline. In return, she’s loved and cherished above all maids and other women and given the power of a mistress over all things, lives and properties he owns. What if a maid beget seeds for her lord? Such are regarded as bastards with no particular right to his inheritance and even his name, like the case of Ishmael,the son of Abraham, unless where the man chose otherwise, like the case of the maids of Leah and Racheal that were counted as part the 12 brethren and in both cases God approved of them. The man has the right to accept his bastard as son or otherwise. God called Isaac the only son of Abraham, despite having a bastard before him and related with the 12 sons of Jacob as though they were from the same woman. God is still God, time and methods may change but His principles and intent are the same. He gave man the power to rule his family, on who is a part or not of it and that has not changed.

2. He wants his wife to submit to his advances and satisfy his sexual needs.

Man don’t just loves sex, it is one key way he rate his wife’s submission to him, like a servant to his lord in all things. In the medieval times, a master sexual relationship with his maid is not considered morally wrong, though its not expedient he should be sexually active with his maid, though she be his property (Colossians 3:18). That is the understanding the modern woman finds hard to reconcile with. A servant belong wholly unto his Lord but it is a choice left in the prerogative of the master to give himself wholly to his servant. Where he so choose, it is considered a privilege as a servant to share her master’s bed and he should so be honoured. That was the undoing of Haggai, who sought a right of ownership over her mistress, Sarah and lost all afterwards. A good servant adore the master, second only to God and submit to him; his master’s will is his will, he submit all at his feet. As difficult as that may sometimes be, the more he submit, the more he finds the favour of his lord. Same is the woman, the wife, the less she submit to her man, the more disfavoured she is in his eyes. The man’s feet is the altar of sacrifice she must first offer herself as a whole “burnt sacrifice” of love before the high priest of her household, without this, even God has no need of her services. A woman that find this absurd should not marry, or stay separately single than to live her life travelling in reverse to divine principle. It is better not to marry than to have no peace in marriage. No man will live in peace with a woman that disdain his God given authority over his own house, except he graciously bears his cross and groan in “peace” hoping against hope. We are called to peace. (Romans 12:18).

Yes, A believing man will not treat his wife like a slave, though he be her master, but as heirs together with him in the grace of life in Christ Jesus, just as Christ has made His wife, the church, joint-heir with Him in the Kingdom of His Father, though He be her Lord and Master (Romans 8:16-17, 1 Peter 3:7-8). And the woman with the mind of Christ will know, it is a privilege and honour to be so treated by the husband, and not a right of equality (Phillipians 2:5-7) to be demanded nor grasped. 1 Peter 3:5-8 say “For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 3:6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. 3:8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:”

Now the third thing a man expect from his wife having loved her first and elected her as his joint-heir and co-creator of lives in his bloodline, just as Christ loved and elected the Church to propagate the perpetuity of His Father’s Kingdom that more sons and daughters may be won through the power of His precious Blood. Romans 5:8 says “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” And 1 John  4:19 says “We love him, because he first loved us.” Just as (expectedly) the man should have found and secretly fallen in love with his wife, and chose her out of many, before making his intention of marriage known to her). So the third thing a man wants from his wife that may unconsciously drive him into the arms of another, if found wanting on the side of his wife is respect or the lack of it.

3. He wants you to give him respect and give him in abundance.

This is the deepest heart cry of every married man, and by extension every living male, either human or animal. Have you ever ask why male animals fight for dominance over the others? It is not just to have sole right over all the females of their kind, that may be part of it, and it is not just a territorial behavior of a lord over his space but it is a fight for respect and the strongest takes it all. Every married man has his own cliche (his family) and will fight anyone and anything to be in charge of his territory.

An unmarried man submit to his father and respect the father’s will, as long as he stays under his roof or till he establish his own house. Once a man is married, his own father’s authority wanes greatly over him. He is now the head of his own house and should be so treated with the respect it deserves. The respect of a man is his honour and vis-a-vis his glory, he will share that with no one, not even his wife, except where gladly given. It is the part of God he was created in Adam and that is the reason God ask for his obedience, submitting his all to Him as Christ is to God, His Father. To whom a man submit his honour and his respect, is his God, the same is deserving of his worship.

These things are out of line for the modern wives who contest with the master-servant Bible description of the woman. She was never counted, only the male in her household are reckoned with but in Christ she became a joint-heir with her husband in the promise of life that is and that is to come but Christ did not in any way make her a co-equal with her man.

Many housewives has the belief that they honour, submit and respect their husbands but the men know better. Many men are deeply hurt and the loving affections that drew them to their wives are fading faster than the women realized. The love of a man to his wife, aside the feeling of duty, is directly proportional to the amount of honour, submission and respect she accords him. There is no other way a man measure his wife’s commitment and love to him than these and wherever, and in whomever he finds it, be a maid or in a princess, he goes for it, afterwards, he can talk about the appropriateness of his actions.

The methods and ways of chosing marriage mates may have changed but the principle of love as a basis of choice and honour, submission and respect as reciprocate for love, coupled with provision, protection and security for the object of love is still largely the same, irrespective of time and age (Colossians 3:19).

Written by OLUMOFIN Kehinde Benjamin, Group Admin, 3pG Christian Ministry and President, Fellowship of the Married and Matured Singles.