SEX – A WEAPON OF WARFARE OR A FORCE OF UNITY

Genesis 2:25 “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

As a marriage counselor, with a special interest in Christian parenting and healthy couples life, I have had the opportunity to talk to many couples on very knotty issues that threaten the very foundation of their family lives. On many occasions, I have discovered that couples always present or try to solve their problems just from the surface. Oftentimes, minor issues are expanded and are so magnified that the counselors get confused about how to resolve burning issues. The men complain about their wives’ nagging; the lack of respect; obsessive concentration on the children; unnecessary lateness to church or to important events etc. Wives also have unpalatable examples to prove he doesn’t love as he ought to; that he cares more about the children than her; unnecessary night crawling; love for games and football; love for cars and gadgets that seem to belittle family interest etc.

The stories can go on and on; and the longer they go on, the more complex and solution-defying they become. Over time, I have come to realize that many family troubles would not have degenerated to a level that has such a damaging effect on homes, if one major area of marriage had been taken care of – sex. It is often said the family that prays together stays together; and it will be safe to add this: couples who pray together should also have sex together. The first area the enemy attacks in any Christian home is not always their prayer life – it’s their sex life. When you begin to see unprovoked bursts of anger from your partner; when nagging is becoming a tradition; when distrust starts crawling in and artificial distance is being created between two married people; when you notice inexplicable cold treatment; intimate and loving communication is becoming scarce; incessant fighting and quarrels that cannot be hidden from the children; and it seems prayer isn’t helping, then check your sex life and you can be sure copulation is declining very fast.

I heard of a couple who went three years without sex, while living under the same roof and probably attending church services together. In some homes theirs may not last as long – just a couple of months. There are homes where sex is far scarcer than quarreling, malice and fighting. I still find it difficult to understand how a couple who needed the assistance and prayers of others to stay pure before marriage, can go for weeks and even months without any serious sexual attraction to each other after they’re married.

A sexless marriage is no marriage, and doesn’t happen suddenly like a giant emotional leap away from a beloved partner. It happens gradually, like an untreated cancer that is left to fester and eventually becomes too difficult to manage. When you are becoming too busy with the children, household chores, business or other routines that may even be beneficial to the family’s welfare; and you notice a gradual loss of interest in sex or your partner doesn’t seem sexually attractive to you, then it’s time to pause and find help for a potentially dangerous situation that can wreck a once viable and happy marriage. It takes humility and maturity to accept responsibility for a loss of interest in sex in marriage.

Sex is not just a marital duty you owe your partner, it is the reason you are a couple. The former is legalistic, and the latter is beautiful and gracious. It is the joy of togetherness expressed between two romantically happy hearts. A sexless marriage is like a lamp without oil – soon the wick will burn out and darkness will set in. Sex is God-ordained. Sex is not evil when within the legal framework of marriage. Sex brings forth lives, which are the children – the fruit of the union, and sex keeps two lives committed to each other as long as God’s providence keeps them alive. You didn’t chose yourselves to be roommates, like high school students, so why are you living like you are? You came together to be couple. Couples are lovers, and married lovers make love.

You are also not siblings who chose to live together under the same roof. You are two unrelated people who are married because you agreed to have sex exclusively with each other. Sex is the only thing you share with your spouse alone, and no one else. When your marriage lacks the beauty and joy of sex, there will be tension, anxiety and lack of trust. Your home becomes dull and lacks the needed grace for happiness.

Sex is God’s way of fusing two people into one to form a family. There should be no barriers to sex, and sex should not be seasonal. Rather, it should be spontaneous, unreserved and involving. Happy couples are couples whose sex life is unpredictable, satisfying and alive. If you’re unhappy as a couple, check your sex life first and other areas after.

Divorce and separation starts with a loss of sexual interest in one’s partner. Once your sexual interest in your spouse begins to wane, you are laying the foundation for eventual divorce or separation; if the situation is not arrested on time. Sex should not be used as a weapon in marriage, but rather as a force of unity. It is foolishness to abstain from sex just because you quarreled last night, but it is usually the first thing that is withdrawn by both parties after arguments or misunderstandings. A wise family will watch and pray in that direction. A godly woman never punishes her husband with sex, because she knows he is joint heir with her of the heavenly hope, and the same goes for the man. Starving your spouse of sex, for whatever reason, is wickedness. Heaven has no place for the wicked – 1Cor 7:3-5. People will do anything and go any length, to have sex outside marriage but will readily abstain from it for the least reason in marriage. That is doing the devil’s will. The devil hates it when families are united because he knows that a united family is a happy family. When the family is happy, children are happy; Jesus will reign, and children’s destinies are protected and preserved.

Christian couples should find ways of satisfying each other’s sexual desires, even when the interest seems lacking. Good christian counseling from older and experienced christian couples can help restore lost sexual desires, for couples who are losing heat in their matrimonial bed. There is no room for shame or shyness in having sex with one’s spouse. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed – Gen 2:25 KJV. There cannot be a healthy and godly marriage without sex, unless either or both partners suffer from a biological deficiency that affects copulation. Even in such cases, there is still Balm in Gilead. The sexual act is the reason you are called man and wife, not because you have children. Children are the physical expression and results of your union. You don’t make love because you want to make babies, you make babies because you make love and sex should not stop just because children have come into your marriage. Children are not dividers; they are rewards of seeds sown in marital sexual union in line with divine injunction.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Mat 19:6 KJV)

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the earth. (Gen 1:28 KJV)

Couples will stay together, as long as they still make love together. No amount of fighting or quarreling can separate couples who still enjoy making love with each other. The easiest way to severe two married people is to remove lovemaking or reduce it to an unromantic duty.

The male sexual drive is at a climax in his forties, whereas the female desire for sex begins to decline within the same age bracket. He feels he needs more sex, but she desires less; so she feels she’s giving enough, but he keeps asking for more and she wonders if sex is food. A man’s desire for sex in his forties becomes so strong, that it will take an equally determined, prayerful and wise woman to keep him at home. Being spiritual can help control his appetite and keep him in the grace of God; but it won’t totally remove his natural instinct, his God given ability to sow seed and multiply (Gen. 1:28) Men need their wives to help curtail their sexual urges, especially when in their forties. I have come to realize that most men who practice polygamy begin in their forties; the possibility of having children outside marriage is common to men in their forties; and difficulty to get enough satisfaction from one partner is higher for men in their forties. To avoid these pitfalls, women must be willing and available to help their husbands. Men must also be available on days when their wives’ teacups seem to take so long getting full.

The spark of endless emotions, that runs between two people before they say “I do”, hardly goes beyond the first few years and two children. The search for and the need to make a good living often replaces the excitement of courtship once the marriage deal is made. The emotions that come with love certainly will not last forever, but the agape love that accompanies it fuses the whole thing together in an untiring unified couple’s life.

The following will help keep sex alive and interesting in your marriage:

1. Be determined to keep your marriage and family together as one happy, indivisible union through active and participatory sex.
2. Spend time together despite busy schedules.
3. Quality and not the quantity of sex makes a difference.
4. Try something new. A trip away from the house alone on a weekend or coming back home for lunch when the children are away in school can help rekindle the fire.
5. Fix a time and day of the week as special time for romance and lovemaking and stick to it. A Friday night or Saturday morning can be very special. Just looking forward to that special time and day can keep busy couples going a whole week. It can be an opportunity to make up for lost time.
6. Be committed to physical touching and flirting with your spouse. Women in particular love it when touched or spoken to in a romantic way, especially when sex is not the immediate focus.
7. Help with the children and household chores. Not just for sex, but to show you care for her physical wellbeing and don’t want her to be overburdened with her commitment to the children and keeping the home. Helping your wife at home will in no way reduce your authority as head of the family. Mature men help their wives and virtuous women will not take undue advantage of loving and caring husbands.
8. Prayer and the determination to stay together in love can make a difference in the days the fire burns low.
9. Talk sex. Don’t be so spiritual that you shy away from talking sex with your spouse. It’s all right to discuss your expectations, as well as areas of possible improvement.
10. Be careful who you discuss your sex life with; many are going through more terrible things than appearances suggest. Talk wisely.

It is ok to feel uninterested in sex sometimes, but problems begin when this is allowed to linger on without taking practical steps to find help and thus restore joy to a dying marriage. Once sex becomes rare, true affections, family prayers and fellowship too will soon become thoroughly mechanical. Things shouldn’t be allowed to get that far.

Let me borrow the words of one of my beautiful Grandmas as I close “discuss the observations and seek solution immediately”. Don’t wait till the matter gets out of hand – as couples, ensure that you talk sex and do sex. God bless and keep your marriage strong in His will.

God will give our women the understanding of how men’s sexual make up works in Jesus Name; and God will help us men with the patience to understand women’s emotional sexual make up as well with that in Jesus Name.

Every marriage has issues to resolve regarding sex at some point, and this requires understanding each other’s emotional position at the time and the patience to be able to sustain the relationship.

God help us in Jesus name. Amen

May God bless His word in your hearts, and may His grace be sufficient for you to heed this call and make good your family; for the sake of your children and their children after them.

Olumofin, Kehinde Benjamin writes for Praying Parents Prayer Group Christian Ministry (3pG).