WHY ARE HUSBANDS NOT WILLING TO SUPPORT THEIR WIVES?

Response 1: Many thanks to the anchor for this series of counsel for the married, I have been tremendously blessed ma’am, more grace and unction for greater dimensions of insight to the discourse at hand in Jesus Christ name. May the Lord use as men and true husbands to be of a formidable supports system to our wives on all front and side of destiny in Jesus name Amen

To the question raised in the course of the discussion

Most men are skeptical to support their wives mostly because they feel insecure, and most times they feel so because the wives may have shown tendencies of pride, arrogance and domineering tendencies, no man who can bet on his wives submission and humility will ordinarily not want to support such a wife to the zenith of her career or ministry, so most times the fault may not necessarily be of the man alone but from the wife as well who may have failed to earn the trust and support of the man with regards to her career and ministry possibly because she has shown some tendencies of concern to the husband, as it is said, it takes two to tango…..however its important and a matter of understanding between the couple because at the long run it’s a win -win situation for the union and home on the long run especially when all things are equal…..this is my take.

It will be weird for any man especially Christen brother’s or husband not to support the GOD GIVEN MINISTRY OF THEIR WIVES except there are underlying concerns from the husband to the effectiveness of the wives to other roles as a mother and wife, ministry is a demanding dimension of working and walking with God, which require a great measure of grace to strike a balance, most men would rather opt for a role for their wife in church that will not affect her effectiveness on other sides especially if such couple or wives in particular do not have the grace to balance ministry and parenting alongside career……for example, there is a couple who were both choristers before marriage as a matter of fact they met in the choir, the husband is neck deep into the department in a denomination which is quite demanding from the department, the wife loves music and also a medical personnel as well  but the demand of this ministry or department of the church will obviously place a strain on the couple especially as the kids start coming in and as such they opted for the children section for the wife while the husband stayed with the choir, one may want to say the husband is making excuse to giving God the best from the wife, but the scripture emphasizes that no man goes into an endeavor without first counting the cost, and as we have been thought here, there is no excuse not even ministry if you fail at the home front you have failed on all front, and its better you opt for a department where you can give your best than opting for one where your effectiveness is questionable….again my submission. (Abiamuwas Ikemesit)

Admin: I received this early this morning from one of us and I love to share it with you….

Response 2: Good morning sir. I just listened to the talk and read replies. The average African man believes that being the head means he alone can provide. He will refuse to help out at home so his wife can earn a better living. Similarly once his wife starts earning well, he becomes afraid…that she may compete with his authority or become rude. Hmmm, why would yuo think that?

Is it because the same average African man is so quick to say ‘this is my house’s usually meaning “I don’t want to hear from you/I can do what I like”….so he’s afraid he’ll be given a taste of his own medicine? It’s really very sad and women are suffering in silence.

Like Pastor Mrs. said about the man who came to take over the car from his wife in traffic so she could use a bike to meet up with her lecture. I really wish, we had an opportunity to hear from the man. I know such a wife will willingly share every cent she makes with him, she will be honest and transparent because he has really shown her love. I know many women who have supported their husbands to great heights only to be discarded/abandoned. Does that make the average African woman refuse to support her husband even to the point of midnight prayers and fasting??? One cannot because of fear of drowning refuse to drink water or bathe.

My father says marriage is a gift, whatever you meet inside take it like that….meaning accept your spouse, flaws and all and live with them peacefully. My grandmother also says whatever you sow in marriage, you will reap. Some men have so limited/hindered their wives and when the kids grow older the women see their children’s homes as escape and leave the man alone, often at old age with one incapacity or the other. Then people begin to gossip.

In all, let’s fear God. Support your wife to achieve her dreams. Don’t be afraid of what may not happen. Even if it does, call on God, call in elders who can speak with her before it’s too late. But don’t let fear deprive you and your family of God’s blessings through your wife.

Admin: Let me also share this with you I just received from one of us….

Response 4: Marriage truly is a beautiful gift. One a lot of us even Christians) have not begun to scratch the surface of. Man (and by that I mean both men and women) is inherently selfish. A beautiful marriage is where 1 gives of him or herself 100% (just as a Christ did) without counting the cost or waiting for the other to reciprocate. 

So many issues in marriage will be sorted out if both parties are fully dedicated to the marriage and the word “I” has totally disappeared. 

Sex in marriage can be so one sided. A lot of men who complain about their wives not having enough sex with them should try analyzing their sex lives. In a lot of the cases, the wives get nothing from the sex; it lacks intimacy.  It’s like a man coming home to eat a meal lovingly prepared for him and he just wolves it down and walks away without acknowledging what was lovingly presented to him. Would the wife be encouraged to go all out the next day? Imagine if your husband walked in, saw the meal you had put together, took the time to get refreshed, sat down to eat, insisted you sat with him and ate the meal with obvious appreciation, how will that wife feel about cooking the next special meal ( this goes either way. I know homes where the husband is the one who does the cooking and that is perfectly fine).

Intimacy is so much more that sex. I know a counsellor who teaches couples who struggle with their sex lives. One of the exercises she uses with them is practicing intimacy without sex for days, sometimes weeks. The couple is completely naked and learns to explore and caress each other without touching genitals at all for at least 40minutes. Each taking turns. This way they learn to enjoy each other without sex being the goal. Sex is just one example.

When it comes to having a common purse or respecting each other or making sacrifices for children, all these are done so much easier when each couple respects and loves the other 100%. When discussions are had without one trying to lord an opinion or a stance over the other. When each spouse is truly dedicated to seeing the other succeed and grow and they both agree that no decisions will be taken that would undermine their marriage and their family life. 

The Bible says 1 will chase a thousand and 2 will chase Ten thousand. We haven’t even began to tap into the great power a truly united married couple has available to them; and we cannot truly walk in that power until both husband and wife learn to die to self.

Admin: As much as women have much they do that could be discouraging men from giving the best of supports, yet we can’t take it away that many women are much willing to changed and make their marriages work than men would do when things are not going their way.

More women have stayed and endured the challenge of prayers, and the “difficult” lessons we learn in this Group and the big sacrifices that goes with it, just to make the family work. I salute the men that have stayed and thanks all the women that kept the fire burning at home even when the men technically retreated. We have our fears as men, but I know we are learning and hope the women that are privileged to learn by our sides, will help ameliorate those fears beginning from their homes and together we make our homes worth the name for our children and our love sake.

It’s a long way home….if we, man and wife, are willing to go through it together.

Response 5: God bless you ma for the teaching. I really loved the example of the two men you cited in the counsel for the married. Despite their challenges, Elkannah and Isaac chose to support their wives rather than blame them for the challenges their family were facing. The support from men to their wives should include practical support at home, emotional support, financial and spiritual support

With regards to practical support in the family home, some men fail to support their wives at home because they were raised in homes where women do all the family chores. Such men continue with the same mindset with their own family and leave all chores to their wives

 Regarding men supporting their wives to fulfil their personal dreams and ambition. Barrier to this could be fear. Such men may think, if their wife becomes successful, the family will no longer be the woman’s main priority rather she will have other interest that takes her attention from home. (Bunmi Afere)

Admin: I agree with this too, the boys most men were are foundations for the men they have grown to be…this is not too far from the other angle too, the girls were the foundations for the mommies we have now….if the foundation be destroyed….prayers seem to be the way out. It might be hard to turn our spouses around but we can as well also begin to lay a good foundations for the men and the women our children will grow to be by making the best of the boys/girls they are now.

If we fail, we would only have repeated the poor jobs most parents in-laws did in what is now more of a cross that many married people are to their spouses…its not enough to read these things but to use them and help our children where we have not been helped as we would have loved.

Response 6: You are so right ma/sir. Most of us are yet to realize and walk in the power of a truly united couple. May the Holy Spirit teach us, amen. (Osiro Imokhai)

Response7: God bless you Sir/Ma. Oh God grant us the grace to be good spouses to each other, be supportive at all times and also good mothers to bring up good and God fearing children that will become father’s like Elkannah and Issac and mothers like Mary and Elizabeth. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ. (Juliana Ojeh)

Admin: Let me contribute my little piece to the questions our Guest Teacher asked in her teaching yesterday at the Counsel for the Married for this Thursday….

And I will title my response…

HOW MUCH NAKED ARE YOU WILLING TO GO?

Mutual fear, worries and concerns from previous experiences, either as a person or from the stories of others are the chief troubles we face. No party is without blame, either as the man who became very protective to the point of hindering the wife progress knowingly or not so as to cut her wings and keep his own ego and headship or as a woman, who longed to be heard, want to be seen and silently wish her God given gifts find expressions with or without the supports of her husband, and will do anything just to get it done, even if the marriage was to be sacrificed.

If only we can be more trusting, trust each other more, see each other more as a team than as individuals, see each other ambitions as our family ambitions than “my spouse ambition” and submit our glories and achievement to each other in love. If the wife give the husband every reason never to see her progress as a threat to his leadership and the husband in humility accept and love his wife, supporting her all the way as an integral part of himself then we would have no reason to fear what “may never happened” using the words of one of the earlier contributors.

Many wives have repeatedly failed to convincingly assured their husbands of their unalloyed submission, should the tide goes in her favour, and many men too have so buried their heads in traditions that believes women are never to be trusted with wealth and progress and so will do anything to stamp down the women in their lives, including their own daughters.

But at the end, mutual trust will be impossible as long as we fail to surrender our mutual fears and submit truly first to God and then to each other in love. And the two were naked and they were not ashamed says the Scripture, if only in love making we found this to be true in our homes, then we are no difference from religious hypocrites of Jesus days. If we approach life, finance and handle our lofty dreams, positions at homes, our aspirations and personal progress the way we see each other when naked as we mirror each other with love, how beautiful life will be. If we can submit each other’s nakedness to each other, what else is bigger and richer than that, that should be so difficult to lay bare?

Nobody fights for supremacy or see each other as a threat once naked and together rejoice in love making. In like manner, life can be beautiful if we come to each other, the man supports his wife and see to her upliftment and the wife submit her achievement in love to her husband as she would her body when naked, then it can truly be said, and both were naked and were not ashamed.

Mutual fear and suspicion is our problems, but if we can together as a couple come to each other, embrace each other, and without shame give ourselves to each other and submit our aspirations and progress to each other as naked as we would be just as we receive each other’s nakedness with no shame and no sense of hierarchy and fear but rather with love and mutual respect, then we can as well do better in all aspect of life if we approach them in like manner, as we do when we make love. Nobody makes love with sense of seniority, we simply get fused together and disappear into each other’s arms.

Until we see it like that and behave it like that, we won’t make no certain progress despite grace and despite getting so involved in a Group like this, where subject like this is being treated. God forbid. Wives don’t trust husbands, so she display some hostile behaviors towards her man without her even knowing it and the husband too, already loaded with tales of woes from failed marriages watches and treat his wife with suspicion and withdraw supports when it matter most. Nothing will changed until we work it out and make the changes we hope for, God helping us and we are willing to be truly naked with each other.

The question is, is it only in love making you and your spouse come to each other naked but in all other aspect, you both come fully kitted with many layers of undisclosed desires and animosities? How far naked have you been or are you willing to go….with your spouse, when sex is not the question?

In it all, I appreciate you ma for opening our eyes, especially we men, to the things we may have overlooked for a very long time. God bless you ma.

And thanks to my dear brother, who got us on a good start.  God bless you sir.

– Group Admin, 3pG.

Response 8: I’ve really learnt a lot since yesterday. May God bless our homes. (Maria Adewoye)

Response 9: Wow! Wow! Wow! Thank you sir. (Funmi Odutola)

Response 10: God bless you sir. This is the ideal relationship between husband and wife that God purposes for our marriages. May we all submit ourselves to God’s will so that we can fulfil His divine purpose and experience heaven on earth in our homes. Amen. (Bunmi Afere)