RED FLAGS IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Little little foxes spoil the vine
Little little foxes spoil the vine
Little foxes spoil the vine
Little foxes spoil the vine

Relationship is the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.

Today, rather than streamlining to courtship only (since this is a singles platform), we would consider relationship in a broader spec while branching at courtship intermittently.

With that said, intimate relationship is an interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Although an intimate relationship is commonly a sexual relationship (for married couples), it may also be a non-sexual relationship involving family, friends, or acquaintances.

Red flags on the otherhand are signs or signals suggesting that a person probably can’t have a healthy relationship and proceeding down the road together would be emotionally dangerous, Dr. Wendy Walsh (2021).

Simply put, a warning or a cause for concern that there is a problem with a certain situation.

They are highly profiled as signs, signals and act that qualify as dominantly (immediately) or recessively (later in life) demeaning or terrible. Waves that could overturn a boat and sink a ship along the course of time.

They are sometimes not recognizable at first – which is part of what makes them so dangerous. However, they tend to grow bigger and become more problematic over time. Little wonder why a lot of supposedly healthy relationships ran into jeopardy at later times.

Some red flags are readily observed – such as violence, stingy, uncaring, abusive, rude and the likes.

While you need to carefully look out for others – such as mentality, irritability, composure, perseverance, empathy, agility, rationality, generosity, dependability, optimism, pragmatism, idealism, persistence, leadership, administrative quotient, organisational quotient amongst a few others.

Instead of paying attention, many turn a blind eye at those tiny little foxes that eventually turn out to rob them of a happy and healthy life.

Dear brethren, PAY ATTENTION!!
Job 1:6 – Satan himself gathered with the sons of God. No brother or sister should be too holy for a close watch. God gave us the ability to prayerfully discern for a purpose, use it!

In my little time leading a team of people, I became exposed to the many struggles a few people go through in their homes. Sometimes ago, a married woman spoke to me for 4hrs. I kept asking the holy spirit what to say, and all he said was – just listen. After she was done, she sighed and breath a breathe of relief. She only just needed someone to talk to, unfortunately she didn’t notice the man in her life had no interest in “nagging”.

Well, it is worth noting that what is readily identifiable to someone as red flag, is possibly not a red flag to another person. Please note that imperfections are not necessarily red flags, however all red flags are imperfections. The distinguishable difference between both is the presence of an alarming catastrophic pedigree (i.e. a custom of catastrophe) in red flags.

So, if you’re emotionally comprehensive, staying in a relationship with a very blunt person may walk you into depression. To you, being outrageously and uncontrollably blunt is a red flag.

When you encounter red flags in relationship, it’s a good time to pause and reflect on the dynamics you really share with that person. Often, toxic behavior is subtle and insidious. It creeps up on us in moments of weakness, and if we cannot fight against it, it can take control over our lives.

Discovering Red Flags
Knowing how to identify red flags in a relationship is extremely important. Before you can address red flags, you need to understand what they look like and why they are dangerous.

Unfortunately, some people start to accept red flags as a “part of the package” rather than warning signals. They then become vulnerable to emotional, psychological, and sometimes even physical harm.

Let’s consider some common red flags that can arise in your relationship. By learning what they look like and why they are harmful, you can put an end to toxicity before too much damage is done.

1. Overly controlling behavior
   Overly controlling behavior is a common red flag. People that try to control your movements, decisions, or beliefs are more concerned about what they want than what is best for you.
2. Lack of trust
   Trust is an important foundation in any healthy relationship. A major sign of an unstable relationship is when partners, friends, colleagues, or family members distrust you. Of course, we all have doubts sometimes. But they shouldn’t stop us from trusting the people in our lives to do the right thing.
3. Feeling low self-esteem
   The people closest to you should build you up, not break you down. When you love someone, you are committed to supporting and uplifting them. If you do not feel that support from your partner, family or friends, something needs to change.
4. Physical, emotional, or mental abuse
   Physical, emotional, and mental abuse are undeniable red flags in any relationship. Physical abuse is easier to pick up. But emotional and mental abuse can be just as damaging in the long run. And just like physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse can cause PTSD. Nobody ever has the right to use you as a scapegoat for their own problems. Those should be dealt with constructively and fairly. Abuse is never an acceptable response to a problem.
5. Substance abuse
   Substance abuse is a clear red flag. It indicates that a person struggles with impulse control and self-destructive habits. Depending on the substance, any relationship can quickly turn toxic if addiction is present.
6. Narcissism
   Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition that indicates self-obsession, a misplaced sense of importance. It can come across as delusions of grandeur, although not in a clinical sense. They are not experiencing a break with reality, although it might feel that way to the people close to them. Narcissists believe that the world revolves around them. And if anybody threatens this belief, turmoil and chaos tend to follow. Being emotionally involved with a narcissistic, ego-driven person can be exhausting and traumatizing.
7. Anger management issues
   If someone you are close to has anger management issues, you might feel threatened or unsafe during conflict. Lack of emotional regulation is a definite red flag for any relationship. We all should feel comfortable enough with a partner or friend to tackle difficult subjects without fearing for our safety. Anyone who uses anger as an intimidation tactic is displaying toxic behavior.
8. Inability to resolve conflict
   People that avoid conflict might think they are protecting the relationship from ruin. But in the end, it only results in long-winded passive aggression. As uncomfortable as it can be, embracing constructive conflict is a crucial element of all relationships. Without productive conflict, serious matters can never be resolved. This can lead to resentment and wasted energy.
9. Constant jealousy
   It is natural to feel jealous when your partner or friend is spending a lot of time with others. However, that is not an excuse to let it cloud your judgment. Someone who is constantly jealous of your connection with others cares more about what they want than your happiness.
10. Gaslighting
    Gaslighting is a common tactic of manipulation. It is an insidious form of emotional abuse in which the manipulator will make you question your own sanity or judgments. Victims of gaslighting are made to feel guilty regardless of whether or not they did anything wrong. Gaslighting is a clear red flag in any relationship
11. Lack of emotional intelligence
    Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive and manage emotions. People with a low level of emotional intelligence are unable to pick up on your feelings or empathize with you. This often results in unnecessary conflicts or forms of manipulation.
12. Have bad relationship with family and friends, or negatively affecting your relationship with yours
    If those you’re in a relationship with have issues with your families and friends, then watch out!
    For many of us, our family and friends provide an important sense of community. It’s a major red flag if someone in your life is negatively affecting your relationship with those you love. Healthy relationships should never come at the cost of other healthy relationships.
13. Self-discipline/control
    Self-discipline and control is the ability to refrain, caution and limit oneself from straying away. Having a relationship where you jump at any thing eatable and drinkable, jest about anything even when it’s insulting, demeaning and not glorifying God, not knowing when to stop talking but instead expose mistakes and secrets anywhere is a red flag you must watch out for.

Trapping the Red Flags:
The word TRAP here only refers to deliberate lines of actions taken to imitate possible future occurrences, so that one can observe likely reactions.
One can easily say, I will never slap you but when annoyed, reverse becomes the case.

Isaiah 29:13 (NLT)
And so the Lord says, “These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. And their worship of me is nothing but man-made rules learned by rote.”

Few years ago we conducted a research on factors affecting student performance, during this research we isolated some factors that are not directly quantifiable. We then set traps to catch responses through inference.

What does this translates to? Some red flags will remain undiscovered when triggers to such never occurred. Your partner may never find a reason to gaslight, avoid conflict resolution, get angry or control you if certain limits were never crossed.

Effectively Trapping Red Flags
Dear Brethren, please note that TRAP does not resonate to tempting or leading your partner to sin.

1: Test some healthy boundaries
Since you wouldn’t know if one day you would, deliberately cross SOME healthy boundaries IF ANY. “Healthy” here is important. Violence and Abuse is not healthy: slapping, insulting or infringements because you want to know, is wrong.

Opt to pray in public places, disagree when not in terms (instead of keeping quiet or agreeing), talk about friends and family the way you would naturally do.

If GOD could test Abraham’s faith -Genesis 22: 2 – 13 KJV, test the ground on which you’re laying the foundation of the relationship.

1 John 4:1 KJV says
Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

2: Ask questions that does not have you in context
Partners are rarely mean to each other. So take yourself out of the context and see what would be done outside those emotions.

3: Pay attention to how your partner deals or relate with others – I’ve heard couples say, he does it but this is the first time he’s doing it to me (or vice versa). If he does it, chances are that he will do it to you.

Rebecca treated the servant well (not Isaac)
Genesis 24:19 KJV
19: And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking.

4: Deliberately bring up your flaws – Observe how they react to your flaws. Progressively minded people are quick to offer way forward, rather than build mountains out of limitations.

5: Deliberately and Consistently bring up your passion – When you consistently talk about things that doesn’t interest people, you push them beyond limit and get them to react. They either noticeably snub what excites you, bring up something else that matters to them, or in worst cases, talk or shut you down.

What to do when you notice Red Flags?
Courtship is not a time to forgive and forget alone, it is a time to forgive, unlearn, relearn, and watch out.

1. Pay rapt attention – Don’t be all carried away by emotional swings. Wake up! Pay attention!
2. If and when possible trigger a reoccurrence
3. Pray about it
4. Deal with it

How to deal with your red flag.

1. Build your capacity: This is the main causative factor behind many red flags. It’s shocking how many people say what they needed to say, and aggravate the entire situation. Learn finances, communication, administration, counseling, psychology, health, nutrition, management, leadership amongst others. Don’t join clique with the “I Don’t Know” family (they don’t know and are never willing to know).
2. Join a discipleship / mentoring class: Many things falls of your life when under tutelage and guidance.
3. Pray – Spend quality time fellowshipping and praying

Steps to handling red flags in Relationship

1. Talk about it
2. Take steps to improve (deal with it)
3. Talk to someone: If you have tried everything you can, I suggest you talk to a counselor or spiritual leader
4. Pray Fervently
5. To thy tent o Isreal – If red flags ever become unbearable after all, or there’s a feeling you can’t cope with certain red flags, go your separate ways. As often reiterated, a broken courtship is better than a broken home

Emotions may prevent you from noticing or taking actions when red flags are noticed, however it is essential to immediately discuss it and most importantly, pray about it. James 5:15 encourages us to pray for the sick

If you decide to keep little foxes you can’t tame in your vine, some day soon, those little foxes will be the reason why you don’t have a vine anymore. Song of Solomon 2:15 NIV talks about catching the foxes that will ruin our blossoming vineyard.

Courtship is not a time to say, I don’t want to offend him or get offended. Offend him and see if you can deal with what will come next.

I know a brother who used to beat his ex. According to him, they will fight and fight. This same brother is happily married and has never beaten his wife. I inquired and discovered that his ex was volatile and he was no nonsense

If that lady had pretended, she would’ve married a domestic terrorist she cannot tame.

Don’t wait until it is too late, examine your relationship, point out the red flags and deal with them effectively.

This lecture was delivered first on the 3pG School for the Singles WhatsApp page by Bro Akintayo Oluyinka Elijah on June 23rd 2022.