BAD HUSBANDS IN THE BIBLE AND WHY THEY FAILED

Husband 3: XERXES

Esther 1:10-12 On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded…the seven chamberlains that served in the presence of Ahasuerus the king, To bring Vashti the queen before the king with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on. But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him.”

The story of Shushan the palace is often told from Queen Esther’s perspective in many details but rarely told are the perspective of Queen Vashti as part of the events that led to the emergence of Esther. God wants us to see the events from both sides, and from sides of the two women involved, otherwise, the complete story would not have been inserted into the Scripture.

Vashti was the unfortunate wife of one of the most irrational and foolish husbands ever lived. Yes, like Nabal, he was a king, rich, wealthy and reigned over a very vast expanse of lands and nations. Just like Nabal in our previous lessons, insolent men with money often have a way of getting the best of women, who apart from the public glories of marrying to a big man has no real joy in the marriages under the control of mad men with money they married.

IT IS A MAN’S WORLD

Vashti can be forgiven, since she’s not an Hebrew woman, that in her days it was men’s world, especially when he is rich and powerful. Her opinion was not sought for, she was only expected to obey. This hasn’t changed much even today, men demand unquestioned obedience from their wives, and women must respond wisely where orders and expectations exceed their ability. An outright “no, I can’t do it” will not help. The innate desire to dominate and rule is natural for man, partly because the marriage covenant was his to keep and it’s also a direct fall out of God’s pronouncements after the fall. While speaking to the woman, God said, “…thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” – Gen. 3:16. There is nothing more important to a married woman than having her husband noticing her unflinching desire for him and there is nothing more important to a married man than having the feeling of being in charge…ruling over the wife.

Once the man denies the woman his full attention in reciprocation to her inner desire to him, there can be no peace and likewise, once a full submission of the wife is in doubt, he gets agitated and will fight back to restore his headship. It’s the simple arithmetic of a happy married life, fulfilling God’s pronouncements to Eve. Humans are selfish by nature and that’s the reason for so many conflicts in families. Women want their husbands’ unflinching attention, love and unshared communion as a sign of acceptance from the husband but considered his “rule over thee” as unfair and tantamount to slavery. On the other hand, the man wants to rule and govern without being questioned as a condition for acceptance and love. If we both understand what we want, and respect each other’s God given desires, then there will be less conflict.

This is an important desire of this Group, to encourage families under one God, controlled by the Spirit of Christ, without which doing God’s will is impossible. If in the spirit of humility, men give their wives their full attention and love, just as Christ to the church and the woman too submits in obedience at home, as unto the Lord, then there will be less conflict and peace will return to the family. We are created to fulfil the scriptures, the earlier we align our will with His, the better for the family.

VASHTI WAS BEAUTIFUL

Men like to show off their wives beauty, it has always been like that. When the woman keep herself beautiful it gladdens the heart of the husband. But a woman married solely for her beauty is a disaster kept for the future because when beauty fade, affection fades. Vashti without doubt was married for her beauty and the same was Esther (Esther 2:3-4). She knew this that king Ahasuerus loved her only for her beauty and she’s probably used to it but a shameful parade on this particular occasion was all she considered inappropriate. A drunken king got swallowed with rage at her refusal and her fate was sealed.

Men’s ability to reason and take decent decisions often come under attack mostly under two situations. The first, when wine (alcohol) is involved. A drunk is incapable of sound mental decision, a wise woman won’t pick up quarrel with a man under the influence of the bottle. Second, men often descend below expectations when he find himself under the seductive influence of a sadist as a mistress who would do anything to satisfy her sexual dissatisfaction at the expense of another’s happiness. The guilt that come with extra marital affairs blacken the conscience and the seductive sedation of a mistress who has nothing to lose is a weight too much for any decent man to bear. Once in that trap, he becomes touchy, gets angry easily, blames the wife for everything and irrational actions become a common thing. A wise woman will pity a man embroiled in the trap of extra marital affair and seduction. A wise woman will seek to help him out in prayers and plenty of love and patience but in real life situations, most women become irrational and will add more trouble to an already troubled man, who himself is frustrated, unhappy and lost in need of help. More frustrations added to a sorry state and the family pays dearly for it.

Fighting and quarreling is never an answer to a spouse infidelity; prayer, patience and love works better. When or where there is a threat to life, a tactical withdrawal is a healthy option till normal senses are restored. Quarreling with a man under the guilt of infidelity is to help him get deeper into it. Yet, keeping quiet is never an option but if you must talk, talk to God first. It is sad to say, in many homes, prayer is always the last option when other violent prone options have failed.

ANOTHER WIFE SOLUTION NEVER WORK

The first thing a man thinks about once there is a conflict between him and the wife is another woman, he thinks of having comfort in another and there is always one at a corner beckoning on him and whispering to his ears. It’s always the beginning of multiple sorrows that last a lifetime and beyond. Esther case was different in that God wanted to use her as an insider in  a palace filled with hatred and hypocrisy in order to safe His people but that does not exempt her from the troubles of the palace. If not for prayers and wise counselling of a committed uncle, Esther would have ended worse than Vashti.

Running into the arms of another woman each time there is trouble at home has never been a true solution to issues. All women have the same challenge, the challenge of submission. For the men, loving their wives without sharing her space with another has always been an age long problem begging for answer. Yes, for both men and women, there is always an answer – Jesus Christ. No woman can submit to a man without first of all submitting her self-will to God wholeheartedly through Jesus Christ and likewise the man, no husband can truly love the woman with all her imperfections without first giving his whole love to Jesus, His Lord.

Polygamy, infidelity and “get another wife” options have no place in Christianity. Every woman deserves to be loved, and help to keep her space secured under her man in the Spirit of the New Testament’s family. No man can find peace and tranquility by pilling up women like Solomon. The cheapest way to buy long term trouble for tomorrow is to have long list of children from different women who are locked up in rivalries. No matter how anointed and good Esther is, one thing is sure, the children of disgraced Queen Vashti will never love or follow peace with the children of the woman who took the place of their mother in the palace of Shushan. Children of rival wives are never at peace with each other. Polygamy is not of God. Simple as true.

DIRECT CONFRONTATION AND REBELION WON’T WORK

It takes wisdom to be a wife. Vashti was beautiful but not wise. Fighting a man with influence, money and power is never a recipe for peace. Confrontation and rebellion don’t always work. Wise women of all ages know this rule and obey it. Esther knew how to pull her string without making a noise of it. Vashti had options or at least she should have invented one but being beautiful without a corresponding wisdom is unprofitable for any woman. Wisdom is the principal thing, in all you get, get wisdom, so was the advice of the Holy Scripture. Any marriage that is not sustained by wisdom is bound to be crisis prone. There is wisdom for every situation in Christ for those who ask Him.

Vashti forgot she wouldn’t be a queen without a king. King Xerxes was the reason she was in the palace, refusing to obey the king, as bad as his order were, was an open confrontation and rebellion against his authority. No woman should ever openly rebel against her husband as long as she has the hope of keeping her marriage. It is important that Christian husbands should not place unwarranted and ungodly demands on their wives, and the wives should never openly disobey or argue with their husbands in the public. It is the height of indiscipline.

WHAT WOULD VASHTI HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY?

The seven days feasting involved all the nobles, and head of provinces in the realm of Ahasuerus together with their wives. All the men were with the king and the women had their feasts with the queen. It is generally believed that what the king asked Vashti was far more than expected, she was not just to appear seductive, her womanhood was set to be ridicule in the presence of powerful men under the spell of wine. Instead of outright public display of disobedient in the presence of other women, many of whom are envious of Vashti’s exalted position. Vashti could have used her position as queen and marched into the men’s party with all the women with her since all their husbands were also there waiting for her display of shame.

That would have been the biggest beauty pageant in the history of Shushan. Vashti could have ordered all the women to appear exactly the way the king expected her to, and they wouldn’t have been able to say otherwise. Queens were at powerful as kings, and if the women had refused the queen, the report would have gotten to the king and that could have been an eye opener for a drunken king. And if they followed her, which was almost certain they would have, other men would have seen the foolishness of waiting to see a helpless woman dancing to a tune played by a fool as a husband. All the men that were waiting to watch the queen public display would have seen their wives in like manner that same night and that would have settled the matter. There was nothing in the king’s commandment that says Vashti must appear alone but she was not wise enough to take advantage of a pin hole in a nagging situation.

That was where Esther got better than Vashti, she took advantage of her God given power as a woman, combined with the power of prayer and fasting, and the wisdom of a well-trained daughter of Zion, she got her victory where Vashti failed. To get the best of a husband in manner in line with her God given power, a woman, like Esther must take note of the following three major areas:

1.  PRAYER

There is no greater force on earth that work better than prayers. Esther knew this much more than Vashti, she could have ended up like her or even worse, if not for the power of prayer and fasting. There is no situation where  prayer cannot help, no heart so hard that prayers cannot break. If you make your husband your prayer project, and you pray for him much more than you criticize him, you would be surprise how much power prayer carry. Godly women rule the world around them on their knees.

2. HER SEXUALITY

As long as a man is sexually committed to his wife, his marriage cannot break. The first point of attack in any failing marriage is their sexual life. When you notice your husband complaining about everything, getting irritated easily,  getting dissatisfied with everything and anything you do, a wise woman will not deal with the issues on the surface base on the reactions of the moment, the first thing she will look into is their sex life. A sexually deprived man is a time bomb and nothing can quench his sexual thirst until his wife come to his help. Once a man is sexually dissatisfied with his wife, there is nothing she does that can impress him.

King Xerxes and queen Vashti may be husband and wife but the possibility of sexual distance between the two gives room for the devil to strike. Esther took care of that. The king was happier with her than the deposed queen. Once sex is not frequent in a marriage, the possibilities of a third or fourth party coming in-between is very high. Women by default know the power of sex in keeping the man to themselves but it seem they lose that ability once married, especially when the children start coming. Nothing should stand between you and your husband’s sexual commitment, not even the children.

You will notice once there is conflict, the desire for sex will reduce and both partners will be waiting for who will make the first move to end the stalemate and while that goes on, sometimes for days or more, the enemy takes advantage of their ignorance, before you know it a stranger takes hold of the situation, and by the time they settle down to reality, the enemy has gone too far that prayers and fasting’s may be needed to get them out. No matter what the conflict is, never stop love making as a couple. Do all you can to make sure frequent love making is never off your marriage. A marriage without sex is no marriage at all, especially when both partners are sexually and biologically fit.

There are sexual hawk out there, protect your husband from them. Half of most family conflicts wouldn’t have endured for so long if couples have taken their sex life more seriously than they do few years after the marriage. Apostle Paul knew this when he admonished couples in 1 Corinthians  7:5  “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” There are too many unnecessary sex gaps going on among Christian couples, that is killing the marriage and the sacred union, it must not be allowed to stay on.

3. CARE

If you pray for your husband, genuinely from your heart, not only in your closet but once a while send a prayer as text, send a prayer message to his phone from time to time. Pray for him verbally and never say anything negative to him or about him. Initially he may pretend as if he is not so impressed but men love it when they know their wives are committed to praying for them, and I know women too love praying husbands. Then take care of his sexual needs an much as you can, do all you can to keep up with him despite the fact that the children are around now and age is running out. Sex should be better, mature and enjoyed more with age and not the other way round. The problem is not how frequent but how well and the desire to keep making it better.

Take care of his food, and be committed to his success and well-being and from his response you will tell if he is wise or a customized fool like Nabal. Whichever, never lose your sanity for whatever reason, the future bliss of your children may depend on your reactions. Vashti was not wise enough to see that. For young couples, and those contemplating marriage, you can lay a foundation of trust, a gentle arrangement binding on both party. No matter the disagreements, sex must never be off the table, the kitchen must never be closed down and food must never be allowed to get cold or waste on the dining table and both partners must not stop praying for each other. When either party fails in any of these, the other should remind him/her in love and get the family back on track. . A family that is committed to this rule can never go off track permanently or for long enough to warrant an inversion from a stranger with preying eyes.

Christianity is a life of battle, and for the married, winning start from secret happenings in the bedroom. A bedroom in disarray is not the mind of God for His children. Once a man notice his wife is fully committed to him these ways, he gets sweep off his feet, fall in love over and again. He will serve her, and will go the extra miles to buy her happiness and do her will. Never lose your prayer life, never lose your sexuality and never lose your ability to care and nurse, it’s all you got to be a wife and a comforter for your family and the very best at it. Any other virtuous qualities are attached and build on these three. No man/woman can resist the force of love (1 Peter 3:1-2, 7-8). If you come across one that can resist this kind of love, please seek for counseling.

May God speak more to your hearts on this in Jesus Name. Amen.

Olumofin Kehinde Benjamin writes for Praying Parents Prayer Group Christian Ministry (3pG)