By OLUMOFIN Kehinde Benjamin

Sex is one of the most talked about subject in relationship. It is the reason the man wants to have his own woman and same the other way round. It is the only one thing that is responsible for the feeling of possessiveness, “you belong to me alone” feeling a partner has over the other person in a relationship.

Simply put, sex is one major reason for romantic relationships, if there is any other, they pale to second position to sex. So sex is the primary reason for romantic relationships.

Sex is the main reason for marriage. Other reasons like companionship, procreation, growing and aging together and many others make sense because sex makes marriage to make sense.

That’s why a sexless marriage, is no marriage at all. It is just two people cohabiting for whatever reason they choose.

When a man says I love you, will you marry me? He’s simply asking, “will you be my sex mate for life in a loving and godly atmosphere we will both create for ourselves under God?”

And if the woman responded “yes, I will marry you”. She’s simply agreeing to his proposal of sex for life, even if she doesn’t fully understand that was what she was doing. All other reasons for marriage will find fulfillment when sex has taken it’s rightful place in a relationship after God. If you don’t like sex, please don’t marry. You will make a mess of the whole thing.

Therefore from the foregoing, we can see how important sex is in the plan of God for the union of man and woman, in the institution called marriage.

It is the oldest institution on earth and should be so guided and preserved.

Now if sex is that important, you now understand why so many things can easily go wrong if things are left for the devil and his hordes of demons to influence, as it is today.

If sex is that important in the institution called marriage as created by God, it then means it can be abused where understanding and purpose is not known and appreciated.

So many sexual acts take place daily and mostly between unmarried persons involving many matured singles.

If you haven’t gone that far yet, you are better placed and I salute your effort at staying sexually pure. You are an example to the fact that it is possible to say NO and God is happy you are what you are now. Please read and learn too, as we address those of us this title is meant to address. You will soon see why you also need to do more irrespective of the noise and demands your body makes upon you at times.

When a man thinks he is in love, his body begins to desire the woman he loves more than other women around him. The stronger the attraction between them, the more he desires an intimate knowledge of her. This is absolutely normal.

When a man is good to a woman, shows her love, buy her things, gets very nice to her, talk lovingly and gently with her and patiently walks his way into her heart. She is engulfed and swallowed by his love. In return for his kindness, she unconsciously prepares herself for him, at the slightest opportunity, she will allow him to have his way around her and if he refuses or fails to make the move, she begins to initially doubt his love, unless he’s able to prove otherwise. All these are normal process of adulthood and biological maturity nature brings upon humans to grow the parents of the next generation of children.

And to avoid the error that can easily rise from immature handling of such feelings, a great apostle, warns everyone to get married once you are matured enough and can no longer say no to the sexual feelings coming up within your body. The feeling of sex is not wrong, it is the means of expression, outside the marriage set up that God frowns at. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9.

Outside marriage, women consider being laid as reward for the good she has received from a ‘good man’ but in marriage, her thinking changes, she reason “being nice” is only his duty, his marital commitment, to the which she owe him little or nothing in compensation. These lines of thinking is the fuel that keep the illicit fire of sex outside marriage burning, no matter who’s involved, old, young, married, singles, separated or divorced. It is also the reason for infighting and lack of sexual satisfactions in marital beds.

But our attention is on the unmarried and the need to say No to sex, even when one has been a victim of sexual sins before. Sex becomes sin, because it happened inappropriately with someone one is not joined in marriage, even if the two were later married. Whichever one happens before they are married is considered out of wedlock intimate knowledge of each other, unwholesome taking advantage of each others feelings, even where it is consensual, all decent culture, including the Bible, frown at it.

So why should you say no to sex even when you have done it before?

1. Sex enslaves.

Many young people will not understand this until they become a victim themselves. There are people married now that would have chosen otherwise and even better if not for premarital sex commitments that blindfolded them into a union they have lived to regret. It is easier walking out of a relationship when some certain red flags begins to become apparent, but unnecessary sexual commitments that had happened might either make it difficult or altogether blinding to obvious dangers that will later spell doom for the union. Sex can be a trap, be very careful, blind trust can come with hard consequences. No better way out of sexual trap than to start saying no and seek for help.

Once you start having sex, you begin to see things that are very obvious as though they are not as important. That was how it is supposed to be in marriage but if you now start seeing things that way for someone you are not married to, you will begin to rationalize obvious red flags….and if that continues the end is better imagine.

2. Sex confuses.

Sex confuses love with lust. There are marital decisions that are better made before sex and romance starts taking place. The reason being that once kissing, touching and ultimately sex is involved, your judgement becomes bias and whatever choices that are made under such circumstances are rarely without faults. There are levels of sound judgement that will be missing once feelings begin mixing with decision making process. God designs sex as a leverage, a means of making the heart malleable and compassionate towards one’s own marriage mate but to begin to feel that way for a person you haven’t married to, is to lose all primary guards for sound decisions and later get confused when you see things you haven’t seen prior to the acts.

Nothing gets you confused prior to marriage than sexual acts done foolishly before time, all in the name of love. This is a gully many married fellows fell into prior to their marriage and live to wonder why ‘the rush’, yet many young people will still find themselves in the same pit, having not been warned or having been blinded to warnings. There is only one way to heal a confused mind, orchestrated by sexual activities, and that is to stop doing it and stop it now.

In the world, sex means nothing to them. It is just enjoyment between two consenting adults but for a child of God, there is a heavy sense of responsibility you carry, once you have had a canal knowledge of someone and then decides to cut the relationship off for reasons you considered very important. It will be very difficult to explain the act was not your reason for coming before and now you want to “bolt” after you have gotten what you wanted. That alone is a moral burden that can be heavy to bear.

3. Sex before marriage is a sin.

Whatever is wrong has no explanation, what’s wrong is wrong. God call sex before marriage fornication. It has no other name. Run from it, if you want God to help you, even if you have done it before. It is a sin that is not easy to start, but once you have started, it won’t be easy to stop, unless you ask God for help and be serious with your decision to stop. Flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6:8) because once trapped, you can get hooked.

4. Sex encumbered the mind with guilt.

As a believer, a true child of God, there is no way you can get involved in sexual acts outside marriage and you won’t be bitter with the sense of guilt and rejection after. If you have sex outside marriage and you felt no sense of guilt after, it is either you have never known God or you have wandered away from grace too far to hear the voice of the Shepherd of your soul calling you back home. No child of God will engage in illicit sex and sleep with his or her two eyes closed after, without any sense of guilt. You can’t enjoy what your Father hates and still be at peace.

Therefore, to get free from guilts, which can also foreclosed your sense of judgement, you have to stop getting yourself involved in things your soul is not comfortable with, just to please another person, a lover so called. Once you stop, the condemnation also stops.

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” Romans 8:1.

Many wonderful Christian relationships got broken because they got involved in sex too early and neither can cope with the sense of guilt that followed. Soon they start the blame game as to who made the other to fall.

Once a brother or sister sees a potential lover as an impediment to holy life, a silent hatred will brood in the mind towards that person.

Soon their relationship will lack excitement and they will call it off.

It wasn’t because they are not meant for each other, it was because they have started doing it and guilt with condemnation won’t allow them rest. So instead of their love to grow, seeds of hatred starts growing until they can’t help it again.

At the end one of them will feel cheated, especially the woman, who herself doesn’t like what’s happening but she has put too much sexual commitments to let go becomes difficult.

Sister, if you think you are helping a brother by giving him sex, if he is truly born again, you are only heaping guilt on him. Soon he will blame you for his cold spirit towards spiritual things and I doubt if he will marry you.

No one wants to marry a “zeal” killer. Same for any serious daughter of Zion towards any brother who will keep making her repenting everyday.

So you now see why you need to have sense even if you have done it before? No brother will tell you these things, same for sisters too, because they don’t want you to feel bad. But it is the main reason they mostly leave after one or two sex.

Any other reasons they gave you are just excuses.

Another reason why you must stop, even if you have done it before, is…

5. Sex is not a sign of commitment.

Women need to hear this, that a man had sex with you does not mean he’s committed to you, rather he might begin to interpret your ‘free gift’ as a sign of lack of discipline and a cheap-to-get kind of a lady. That’s why you will notice his lack of trust and tendency to ask questions probing your loyalty since after. To him, it means “if I can do it that easily, anyone else too can” and so he has no respect for your love again. Men by nature don’t respect and honour whatever they get so cheap, especially the sexual-love of a woman they admire. Be a little scarce my sister, if you are too available, men won’t respect you, even if he ends up marrying you, he will still not trust you, because you came too cheap.

If going on dates, visiting fine restaurants and malls makes you lose your senses and composure, then stop all the unnecessary dates and get focus on working on yourself.

And you brother, if you think having premarital sex makes you a wining man, then you haven’t read Proverbs 6:26…

“For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life.”

Once you notice you always find it so easy having your way with women, know there is something special about you the devil is running after. Women don’t give sex for free, there is always something they see, you may need to wake up before every good thing in you is drained off through your own pipe. That a woman submit to you sexually, does not mean she’s committed to your good, as long as you are not married to her.

Please man don’t forget this…

Women don’t give sex for free

There is always something she sees you are not seeing.

Never forget that.

6. Sex is not fashion.

It is not the happening thing. That you say No does not mean you are old fashioned. Social media have cheapen sex, but that does not make something sacred less its salt. Sex to the world is a big money making industry and so they are doing everything to promote it. Fashion, movies, music, entertainment of all sorts, pranks, short comedies etc are all selling well because they sell sex and make sex cheap. If you allow the trend to define your view about sex and involvement in it, they will make you one of theirs and see nothing wrong in the game of death the world is playing. Game of sex is game of death. Please don’t join them.

That everyone is doing it does not make it right. You can choose to be different. “But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself…that he might not defile himself.” Daniel 1:8. Sexual sanity is not only for women, God is searching for men too, who hunger for sexual purity, like Daniel.

7. Sex cannot be taking back.

Think before you give in, once given, it can’t be taken back, especially when it is consensual. Complaining days, months or years after that you were taken advantage of is foolishness. A mutual sexual affair should not be blamed on the other person or the circumstance that led to it. Once it is mutual, take responsibility. People complain because things did not go the way they wanted, otherwise no one will ever hear from them. Don’t give what you know you can’t do away with, once the chips are down, you are on your own. Therefore be guided.

For victims of abuse and rape, because it was not your wish, God knows how to reward you with good and better future. Jesus will give you back what you have lost in dignity and put away your shame and shame your fear, just trust Him and be forgiving.

8. Sex is not love.

Just like the point before it. Sex is only love when done in marriage, married people know this to be true. Premarital sex is mostly indiscreet and done without much thinking but sex in marriage is intentional and with discretion. You will be surprise many married people don’t have sex very often, not even half the way many unmarried people get to do it. This is because in marriage, sex is intentional unlike the “sweet stolen water” it tends to be outside marriage (Proverbs 9:17). Wait till marriage, then we will see if indeed you love sex or you are only falling cheap to the enemy’s sexual blackmail before you are married. If you still love sex after marriage, then indeed you truly fell in love with that blessed person. Believe me, you will soon find this to be the truth. Proverbs 5:18-19.

9. Sex won’t make you spiritual outside marriage.

Premarital sexual engagements is one key factor for poor spiritual growth and general lack of interest in spiritual things that have come to define many young people today. If you ever desire a Christian Home, a Jesus centered family, then say no to premarital sexual engagements. There are spiritual strengths hidden in sex that you can never experience untill you are married, so wait for it. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

Many spiritually weak young people, who can’t fully define their spiritual bearing are like that because they got entangled with sex related activities that are weighing heavily upon their spiritual growth.

10. Sex is not the cure for loneliness.

Many sexual sins are as a result of loneliness but sex won’t cure loneliness. Find out why you are always feeling lonely and mind you loneliness does not necessarily mean absence of people around you. So find out why, instead of getting involved unnecessarily with another person who does not deserve you just to fight away loneliness. If you are often feeling lonely as an unmarried single, you will still have same feeling when you are married until you dig deep to the reason behind your feelings of rejection and loneliness and deal with it. I hope we consider this as a topic sometime soon.

11. Premarital sex eliminate the element of surprise and the need to discover how and ways to sexually satisfy one another with a newly married lover.

The first few days of marriage supposed to be a period of knowing each other deeper than they have ever been and bonding with each other through one love making experience upon another. Couples rarely go beyond the sexual bonds they created in the first three months of marriage, except by deliberate intentions where the opportunity has been missed.

Premarital sex can be one reason couple’s will miss that early days of bonding since sex has been taking place, nothing will be new again and all elements of surprise and freshness of a new discovered well of freshwater to drink from are no longer there for the take.

Whatever the flood of premarital emotions washed away before marriage, will not readily be rediscovered, nor regained after the wedding, since marriage comes with added responsibilities of its own that are not there or at the most, can only be seen from the distance, before the wedding day.

Sex supposed to be the joy that will help new couple adjust to their new life together, bearing each others responsibilities flawlessly in love. But when the wine (marriage) is new, but the bottle (couples sex life) is old and without any new element of surprise and awesomeness attached, both the new wine and their old bottle can suffer emotional damage that may take many years to get healed.

“And no man putteth new wine into old bottles: else the new wine doth burst the bottles, and the wine is spilled, and the bottles will be marred: but new wine must be put into new bottles.” Mark 2:22.

Don’t enjoy the fresh wine of your togetherness before the wedding night, you might have nothing left to fall back on when you need it most, days into the marriage and even when you still have some left over, it might be too stale to give the joy the moment deserves. Stay far from sexual acts if you are not married, being sexually active now, can be a horrible disadvantage later.

Sexual purity still pays. Shalom.

Question:
+234 803 223 7…: Thank you so much sir, God bless you. Can we say it is a red flag when sex is requested for few weeks or a month in to a courtship, I personally believe it is but I just want your view on it sir.

My Response:
It’s neither here nor there. The man that mean well for you will likely ask for sex, and so will the one that is just looking for another “Eve” to conquer.

A man that loves you will ask for it, same is a man that has no genuine feeling for you but only pretending.

What makes you a wise woman is your ability to say No to both, give the right tests and with prayer and help of God, successfully sieve lies from the truth and eventually give your most priciest possession to the one who’s most disserving.

That a man ask for sex, may not be a red flag until he threaten to leave if you fail to give.

And that you say No today, does not mean he won’t try again another day because men know that even when a woman says No, she may actually be saying “yes, if only you will try again.”

And if I may add, if you are in the habit of paying lonely visits to a man, without a company and you keep saying No, you are only deceiving yourself.

You keep passing nights and even sleep on same bed and you keep saying No….you are the original temptation….and any sane man knows your No are all pretense. With a little more pressure, you will go all the way.

If you mean business and your no is no, then eliminate all points of temptation, including yourself.

Get mature adults involved.

These is also true to men visiting ladies secretly and the ladies secretly accommodating them.

If you don’t put limits and get proper help, you are likely going to go too far before you know it.

My advice, if you both truly love each other, then set your boundaries and stay by the standards you set.

Secondly, the earlier you get matured married person, preferably a matured believer, involved to guide and counsel you, the better your chance of success.

God bless you and God bless your resolve to please God with your sexual life in Jesus Name. Amen!