By OLUMOFIN Kehinde Benjamin

Apology and forgiveness go together. A sincere apology usually attract sincere forgiveness, and both are very important to the success of a relationship. The success of any relationship is as good as the willingness to ask and offer apology and forgiveness respectively at any given time in their growth as an entity.

Apology sincerely and politely asked for and forgiveness gracefully offered timely and in love are healing agents. Any relationship so blessed will rarely go through the plague of unending conflicts that readily bring many unsuspecting relationships to their quick end.

You are right. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thanks for your understanding. I will be more careful next time, are wonder statements that can easily attract others sympathy and make them empathize in love and forgive when offended very quickly. Healing and renewal of mutual affections are two key importance of apology and forgiveness in a premarital and marital relationships.

The key is, if you consider me an important part of your life, it won’t be difficult saying sorry to me when you have wronged me and same goes for me to you. And if you are important to my present and future happiness, I too won’t hesitate to forgive you all wrongs and be understanding with you, especially when you asked for it. The same should be if you feel same for me. These are spiritual principles, not just for romantic relationships but for all human relationships.

Jesus emphasized these truths when He declared in Mark 11:25-26 and Luke 6:37 thus:

“And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25-26)

“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:” (Luke 6:37).

The proud will not apologize and the arrogant will not readily forgive, even when asked. I will like to treat this topic under two parts, as follows:

A. How to apologize and receive forgiveness.

B. How to accept apology and forgive the other person.

I will take care of the first part today. That means, this lecture will be in two parts. This is the first part;

HOW TO APOLOGIZE AND RECEIVE FORGIVENESS

Let’s take the perennial case of Joseph and his brothers as our case study. The principles in this story can be applied in all human relationships, including marriage and premarital relationships. The goal of every relationship, be it among siblings, or business partners or lovers, is to promote personal and collective happiness and peace, in the bond of love and mutual respects. Once this sensitive lines are breached, the offending party should apologize and receive forgiveness so as to restore normalcy as soon as possible.

Genesis 50:15-17 “And when Joseph’s brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him. And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying, So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil…”

1. Don’t take people for granted all in the name of love.

Here are Joseph brothers, who had enjoyed the palatial provisions of Pharaoh on the bill of Joseph for many years since their talk of the town family reunion when Joseph invited his father and his family to Egypt and saved them from death and hunger. They were reminded of the evil they committed against Joseph years back. It was an emotional reunion but there seem to be no record of a formal apology from the brothers to Joseph. Like they did not fully realize the damage they did to the young boy Joseph they sold, even attempted killing, but simply received forgiveness they did not ask for, out of the burden of guilt that came upon them when Joseph made himself known to them.

Now, Jacob, their father was late, and they suddenly realized the man on whose back they rode to Joseph Egypt was gone and there was no more any hiding place for them, now with no other better choice, they came asking for forgiveness from a man they depended upon for their daily provisions. If they had done this sooner, it would have made better sense. The apology may not be too late, but should have been sooner.

Don’t wait till you are stranded and no other place to run to before realizing your need to apologize. Even if you must go your separate ways, you don’t have to do it as sworn enemies. It is unwise to say, “sorry since you say I wronged you” and not that you sincerely want a mutual end to uneasiness that threatens your relationship. An apology offered when one is stranded and has no other choice can be misjudged even when done in all sincerity. Coming to say “sorry” to a lover you abandoned without any sane reason years back just because other relationships you eloped with had paid you in similar coins calls for thorough scrutiny. As good as it is to retrace ones steps, it is also good for the receiving party to ask questions where applicable.

The earth is a cycle, nature has a way of bringing same people back your way after many days or even years, do things today in a way you won’t be ashamed seeing the person you have treated in a bad way again unexpectedly. So they came to Joseph armed with their father’s word as basis for apology. It is like telling the person you wronged, the Bible says you should forgive me, not because you have realized you were wrong but because you deserved to be forgiven, even when you never asked for it. It was completely an unwise way to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

“Thy father did command before he died, saying, So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil…”

That line of statement is totally unacceptable, weak and insensitive. Don’t take people for granted, apologize when you have to.

2. Having Realized Your Mistake, Take Responsibility Through Your Actions.

Genesis 50:17-18 “…and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him. And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants.”

The brothers having now fully come to term with their error, took steps away from their father’s words to Joseph, and took responsibility for their own actions. “we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father…And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants.”

3. Be Humble and Focus on The Gains.

There is nothing wrong to kneel down, prostrate, or take whatever humble position when apologizing, so far you mean your words and actions. Nothing is worth more than restoration of a failed friendship and lost relationship.

“…And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants.”

4. Have a Goal in Mind.

There should be a motivating factor driving your apology and your need for forgiveness. This can be your need for personal peace of mind, an unhindered fellowship with the Holy Spirit, restoration of romantic relationship, where possible, repairing broken bridge of trust, turning around of lost fortune, personal prosperity etc. These and many more are some of the reasons you want to make things right.

5. Accept forgiveness and be graceful.

To be forgiven is not a right, it is a privilege. So be graceful and make no unnecessary demands. Avoid avoidable emotional playback of past events. It takes time to get over emotional wounds, so don’t expect too much from a newly revived relationship. It takes time to heal and forget the past, even when forgiveness has been given. So allow the other person to heal and get it all over. Your loving and sweet behavior after reconciliation will help in many ways to quickly restore trust and confidence as it should be. However, don’t fall cheap to emotional blackmail and super egoism of a privileged pride infested partner. It is better to be forgiven and walk away than remaining in a relationship with an “unwanted” partner.

If any other questions on making apology and receiving forgiveness, please be kind enough to ask. God bless you. Amen!

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

+234 803 927 5…: Good morning I just read through now, thank you so much for the lecture
Honestly I was once a lady thank doesn’t know how to say sorry even to my parents🫣the day I understand the damage that can cause I started working on myself, I thank God today

My question sir

At what level can one say I won’t apologize, are there not a case that doesn’t deserve an apology? At what level can one say I won’t forgive a person

Admin Response:

Thanks for the question. I will say there is no level that one cannot apologize and there is no case that doesn’t deserves an apology. Also, to be added is that, there is no level of offense that one will say forgiveness is not possible. None.

The Spirit of Christ in us, is a Spirit of peace, if we are His, then we will pursue peace, no matter the cost. Everybody needs to be forgiven, including me and you.

In like manner, we should forgives everyone their shortfalls against us, no matter how bad it may be.

+234 703 565 5…: Sir, my question is;
Is it allowed for me to forgive you and not want to have anything to do with you again?
And
Is it possible for me to forgive you and not forget? How can I forgive and forget?

Admin Response:

Thank you for your questions as well. Yes, you can decide not to have anything, either for now or for a long while, with the person you have just forgiven, especially, if you think such relationship can bring you further emotional hurts in the future.

But avoid completely writing people off just because of what they did now or in the past, wisdom is profitable in all things. Somebody may not be useful today but can be of great advantage in some distance future. So treat everyone, even a professed “enemy” with care and wisdom, today.

Now, to forgive and to forget are two different things. You owe the other person forgiveness but you owe yourself the peace that come with putting the past in the past (to forget). Wherever there is a quarrel, an offense or a heated arguments or any breached of trust, there will also be an emotional hurts in parties involved. Sometimes, this hurts can be as deep and wide as the soul itself, and so the need for healing. The deeper the wound, the more painful and the more difficult it is to forget it.

This is where God comes in, only God can heal emotional wounds. Many time we try do this by ourselves but we can’t on our own. The Blood of Jesus Christ don’t just forgive sins, it has the power to heal emotional wounds as well, no matter how deep or wide it is.

So to forget and be let go and free from the traumas that come with the past, even after you have forgiven your offender, you need healing. If you have forgiven your friend, then ask God in prayer to heal you of all the attached hurts. The process is not complete until healing have taken place, so pray about it. Otherwise, you may find yourself trapped in your past while that other person is living free and enjoying his/herself.

Forgiveness is divine, so is forgetting the past. Ask God for grace and power for both. If you have been healed, forgetting your bad past, brought about by failed relationships, becomes very easy.

We suffer and suffer because we didn’t ask for help. Stop suffering in silence…ask God for help and talk to a counselor, where necessary.

“Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.” James 4:2.

If you ask for help, you will surely get.
Anonymous: Please help attend ro this one…

“If I forgive someone, and any time I see the person, I still get angry and very bitter….I don’t even like anybody mentioning that person in my hearing. Have I truly forgive the person?”

“The person too is aware of this because it is obvious the way I behave whenever he comes around me. Do you think he will truly believe I have forgiving him? And what can I do?”

Admin Response:

Its obvious you are still deeply hurt about the whole thing, even though you have forgiven the person but your hurts still lingered and is doing you more harm than you might be willing to admit.

Your inner wound is still there and you need healing and help from God. May be you have not talk to God about it. And you need to.

Tell God how deeply you are offended and your willingness to let go, but you will need his grace, power and help. And confess it to God again in prayer like this….”so and so (mentioned the person’s name) I forgive you in Jesus Name. Yes, I was hurt but I forgive you”.

Echo that words sincerely and loudly so you can hear yourself in prayer….and then say, “Father, having forgiven him, please heal me too and bring comfort to my heart and life in Jesus Name.

If you do these things sincerely, God will answer and heal you.

“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed”. John 8:36

Tell yourself you are healed and free because the Son of God has made you free and you are no longer in bondage to your past.

“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil.” Ephesians 4:26-27.

** This lecture was first delivered on the WhatsApp page of the 3pG School for the Singles. An interactive page for youth and unmarried young adults members of 3pG Christian Ministry.