By OLUMOFIN Kehinde Benjamin

Conflicts are inevitable but the level, the gravity, how often the cycles of conflict are repeated, how conflicts are managed and resolved and causes of conflicts are areas that calls for attention of parties involved. When conflict occurs, relationship suffers deep but silence damages it, which parties may find very hard recovering from.
For every conflict, aside causes that are obvious and parties can easily identify, there are other background issues that may fuel the bigger reasons for conflicts that are silent, which affected parties or one of the persons find absurd mentioning, or might not even be aware is a factor in their present predicament.

These silent causes of conflicts are rarely considered as important and yet where unattended to can ignite bigger reasons for conflict. These ranges from unresolved emotional hurts, insecurity embedded in jealousy, childhood abuse unknown to the other partner, immaturity on many fronts, inadequate knowledge of the word of God, hidden motives and insincerity on either side, carryover /hang up experience from failed relationships from the past, not taking things the other person considers important as important as it is to them, inexperience and impatience, family traditions and religious restrictions, and even uncontrollable deep affection for the other person among so many.
People don’t just behave in some certain ways that often trigger conflict with people around them without a reason, sometimes, such reasons can be so silent, the person may not even be aware such are reasons why he/she behaves in ways that irritate or annoy the other person.

And some do get irritated unnecessarily too, just for same reason. There is always a silent reason for most actions.
Some of these listed background causes of conflicts can be the major factors for conflicts in some, while they are minor in another depending on those involved and matters they are disagreeing on.

Major causes of conflicts can include religious convictions and beliefs. It can also include financial reasons and matters that borders on management of money, managing resources and investment. Others can include trust issues, past betrayals, roles of friends and relatives, educational gap and status, age differences and many more.
Now, how should conflict be resolved among unmarried partners?

The Bible story of Joseph and Mary readily comes to mind at this junction. Mary was betrothed to Joseph but before the marriage was consummated, she was found with child contrary to both custom and religious beliefs of their society. That was a very big conflict that should have ended the relationship but the couple survived the scare. How? Let’s see Matthew’s account of this story in chapter 1 beginning from verse 18
Please note that the world has its way and standards of solving problems, either conflicts in marriage or conflicts among unmarried couples. That is what motivational speakers will teach in conferences and in meetings, sometimes we can learn from them but they have their limits and they don’t help too much. However, there is what we call the Christian or Bible approach to resolving conflicts and with Bible examples that can help in all relationship matters, irrespective of time, nation and season. God have permanent answers in the Bible to all marital and premarital questions and or conflicts.

So taking Joseph and Mary as our example on how to resolve premarital conflicts. Please, it is important I say this before reading from our Bible text, conflicts, especially when it’s becoming too regular and sometimes, when it is difficult to define might be a red light (warning of dangers ahead) if such couple should marry and it can also be a sign there are few rough edges that intending couples have to work on, in order to make the best out of the raw materials their relationship is and bring out something far more precious that God intends for both of them. And the later is exactly what the story of Joseph and Mary teaches us.
Please don’t forget this. As much as conflict can be a sign of danger, a red flag that should not be ignored, it can also be a sign of few rough edges that if worked on, all will be fine as good days lies ahead. Precious treasures don’t always appear precious(attractive) at first look.
“Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost” (Matthew 1:18). Here was the genesis of the whole problem. Espoused but before she was officially married to Joseph she was discovered to be pregnant. Nothing can be more disappointing to a man who had committed his heart to a woman.

However, Joseph did some few things that helped the couple. Here, I state them as advice:

1. DON’T BE IN A HURRY TO INVOLVE A THIRD PARTY OR MAKE THE MATTER PUBLIC.

“Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily” (Matthew 1:19). One of the bad steps you can take is to involve a third party in your conflicts without cogent personal efforts been put in place to help resolve the issues at hand, and worse still, taking the matter to a public square and making posts for all to see is an immature act from an immature mind. Romantic relationship is for adults, babies should keep off. That was the first thing Joseph fought off. He could have screamed “how on earth can a supposed virgin be pregnant” at the top of his voice, in a society where the common penalty for adultery was death by stoning but he chose the path of reasoning. What will anyone gain by emotionally blackmailing another just because of a failed relationship?

Going on social media and calling out an ex, or engaging in cheap blackmail among the people of God in your church, just to argued a point is Christian immaturity to say the least. That he or she is not marrying you is not an excuse to make him/her unfit for another. There is no relationship that is conflict free, even the best of partners have days things won’t go as planned but to try to win your points by cheap blackmailing the other is not a wise way to go.
And this brings to mind how good you and your partner were before the conflict. Are you merely in a relationship or you are in love. Even where a loving relationship hit the rock for whatever reason, mostly beyond the control of those involved, no loving partner will take joy in damaging the person of the one he/she once professed to love. Aside this, is the spiritual maturity of the person you are in love with. Joseph was described as a “just man”, spiritually matured man.
Be spiritually guided in the choice of a mate. A boy will always behave like one, and a girl will be a girl, irresponsible and unloving in days of conflict. Joseph was a perfect choice for Mary, some other men would have acted differently and still feel good about their actions.

That was the fate of the woman caught in adultery, we are not told how or who set her up for public disgrace, but we do know whoever was her partner at that point in time was no where near to defend her, and possibly among those who wanted to cast the first stone in line with the custom, before Jesus reached her.
Don’t just pray to fall in love with a spiritually matured person, who can cover your shame if things go weird but be spiritually mature as a person too. Deep calleth unto the deep says the scripture (Psalms 42:7). So the point is, if you are spiritually matured, you won’t be in a hurry to go public and raise dusts on issues that can be resolved amicably, even if partners are to go their different ways. We may not be lovers but we are brethren, no conflict should changed that. Do whatever you can to resolve issues privately and only involve a third party when your efforts are unproductive. It takes spiritual maturity and true heart of love for God to reach that level.
Ask yourself some frank questions…why are things the way they are? Is there anything I should have done better? Why do I behave the way I behave? Why is my partner behaving in this manner? If this did not changed, can I live with it? Is there anything I could have done differently?

Matthew 5:25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. 5:26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing
If things stand as they are, can I live or cope with it?

Luke 14:28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?

14:29 Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him,

14:30 Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.

14:31 Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand?

14:32 Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace
Crisis, argument etc are pointer to something…..you have to find it out by asking all these questions and finding answers to them. Where you are not sure, ask for help, but don’t rush to ask for help, try do your own findings first.

Don’t shy away from this.

However, as best and as sincere as you may be to yourself, there are things beyond your wisdom and understanding. And here is where your ability to decipher God’s voice comes in.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

3:7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

This leads us to the next thing Joseph did and I give it to you as an advise….

2. UNDERSTAND HOW GOD SPEAKS TO YOU.

We go through many pains, and carry too many emotional burdens, just because we don’t understand how God speaks to us. Many of our troubles would have been resolved if only we hear Him well when He speaks to us. God don’t just hear our prayers, even our noble thoughts, and heartfelt cries are not hidden from Him.

Psalms 94:11 The LORD knoweth the thoughts of man…

Proverbs 12:5 The thoughts of the righteous are right…

Proverbs 15:26 The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the LORD: but the words of the pure are pleasant words.

Proverbs 16:3 Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.

God do respond to our thoughts and heart cries but when a child does not recognize the voice of the father, the possibility of unwarranted wondering is inevitable. Here, Joseph was different from most men who may have faced similar circumstances
Matthew 1:20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.

He engaged his thought in a positive way, wondering why Mary would have done what she “did”. He was not getting worried aimlessly, carelessly imagining who among Mary’s male friends would have been responsible for her “strange” state but his thoughts were positive, heavenward, a hearty cry for a beloved, planning and wondering how best he can help a beloved woman and save her from a certain shame a hypocritically religious society was set to unleashed on her.
While Joseph was at this, God spoke to him in his dream. Joseph dream was not an occasional thing nor a one-time-off way to hear God. He was accustomed to God speaking to him through this method.

If God has not been speaking to you through a particular method before, He’s unlikely going to start just because you are having issues with your love life and then refused to speak through same means when other issues of life arise that are equally demanding on your person.
God spoke because Joseph was genuinely concerned for Mary and was set to save her. God saw His intention and spoke to him in a way he is used to. That was why God kept talking to Joseph in all his recorded actions in the Gospel.

Matthew  1:24  Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:  

At another time, it was said “…the angel of the Lord appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him” (Matthew 2:13). And so saved the wife and Child.

Again “…when Herod was dead, behold, an angel of the Lord appeareth in a dream to Joseph in Egypt. Saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and go into the land of Israel: for they are dead which sought the young child’s life. And he arose, and took the young child and his mother, and came into the land of Israel” (Matthew 2:19-20).
It is wise to report a matter of concern to God and have His direction before talking to men. He sure will hear and answer, provided we have been careful enough to know His voice and His leading. God do answer prayers just that we are not careful enough to recognize his method betimes. And where this is true, confusion is at the door waiting to unleash its terror. Joseph knew God’s voice in the midst of his trouble and it helped him on many more occasions. It will be easier navigating our troubled waters in life, when we hear God clearly and we carefully follow His leading.

Don’t just get concerned and talk about the conflicts to whoever care’s to listen, especially when it is becoming too regular and sometimes, repeating itself from one relationship to another, but please do care about your inability to decipher God’s voice and understand the reason He permit the troubles in the first place. Things don’t just happen, conflicts don’t just repeat itself, it is either the devil is playing smart on one’s ignorance or God is speaking but those involved are not listening. We sometimes are too quick to talk to people, defend ourselves and state our reasons but not in same manner quick to talk to God or even hear (or see clearly enough) when He speaks.

3. TALK TO EXPERIENCED AND GOD FEARING PEOPLE.

As wonderful as it is to talk to God and even hear Him speak, we cannot completely rule out talking to experienced God fearing men and women God has graciously placed over us and/or around us. They can be of immeasurable help in days we are too confused to know what is right or wrong among the many choices before us.

“Aged men and women in grace are strategically placed by God to help the younger ones in all matters of life and godliness. “That the aged men….and the aged women likewise…that they may teach the young women…..(and)…young men likewise…” (Titus 2:1-8).

And to complete the cycle of obedience and conflict resolution, that was exactly what Mary did. She was not just contented with the fact that she heard from an angel, who spoke in God’s Name, and she did not end her quest for the truth, with the fact that Joseph graciously took responsibility for her unborn Child, putting his own personal goodwill on the line, when he quickly arranged for their coming together as couple. Even with all these she still had her aged cousin and her hubby as her confidants and advisers all the way.

“And Mary arose in those days, and went into the hill country with haste, into a city of Juda; And entered into the house of Zacharias, and saluted Elisabeth” (Luke 1:39-40).

This aged woman was used by God to confirmed her dreams and angelic visitations by these words:

“And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord. And Mary said, My soul doth magnify the Lord, And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour” (Luke 1:45-47).

Her fear and doubt was completely gone with those words, conflict resolved and Mary and Joseph had the best of love life anybody can dream of, despite the enemies unrelenting efforts, they stood firmed.
Summary;

1. Don’t make mess of an already bad situation by making your conflict a public or social media thing.

That’s how the world do it. Its completely unwise.

***Never forget to ask questions…be frank with yourself.

2. Understand and decipher God’s voice amidst the conflict. Some conflict are meant to strengthen the relationship while some are red flags…try let God teach you the difference between the two.
3. Talk to experienced godly people. You will be glad you did.