by OLUMOFIN Kehinde Benjamin

I was talking with a young lady, a well qualified professional, who by all standard satisfactorily passed as a ‘daughter’ to me. I knew her since she was 8 or thereabout.

We got talking about her relationship. I know she won’t want to talk about it freely unless I open up the discourse in that direction…. I felt a strong sense of duty to guide her. But I was amazed how many things are yet to be talked about, things herself and her potential future hubby are left unattended to, talks they are hoping by chance will just worked out fine on their own. Plans and talks on family life, children upbringing, desired number of children and possible gender issues (if all are boys or girls, what do we do?).

Matters on in-laws, definition of family from each others perspective, what she want in a partner, her definition ‘of who I want as husband and as the father of my children’, personal definition of Christian family I will like to have when I’m married, definition of ‘our family’ service to God and in which church and why the church? What to me can be said to be a service to God, how I’m to go about it, my spouse roles in all these, and so many other talks that will affect the married life.

The love life is beautiful, especially when gotten right, but human hardly realized betimes that love is responsibility. Responsibility is what makes us human and love without responsibility is inhuman and dangerous, and responsibility starts with self assessment, personal definitions of terms and expectations and your ability to successfully communicate and agree on these definitions with your future spouse before the marriage makes you a responsible lover, without which the love life will be nothing but a free ride in jamboree heading towards nothing. Any family that is NOT so defined and established on two people’s understandings of agreed definitions is doomed to fail and this is the bane of many marriages that are falling apart despite having fine individuals, successful people in their chosen field as partners.

This is the true state of many young people in relationships, going over the cycle and repeating the error of the many married people who went through same routes before them, yet blindly expecting a different outcome than those who have gone before without paying attention to slippery details. Too many fine marriages are crashing lately because talking are not done betimes and definitions of terms came too late. Love alone can’t sustain marriage, people have to agree to live together. Very important.

It is not enough to find a partner and be in love. Love is responsibility and responsibility is talk, talking and agreeing on predefined terms before the “I do” date. Once the ship set sailing, new agreements are rarely easy to make. Take responsibility, talk more, and touch less, that is God’s mind for you.

Note: please feel free to ask questions on whichever part of this discourse you are not clear with.

OLUMOFIN Kehinde Benjamin is the Group Admin, 3pG Christian Ministry.